Other ramblings

6 ways…

I recently read an article, if you can call it that, entitled ‘6 Ways to Tell If a Girl Is a ’10′ In 2014’, I’m not sure why I did it. Possibly because I thought it was written by a dude and was looking forward to the onslaught of modern day man-wisdom usually featured in the more distinguished corners of the internet, or maybe I was just feeling like some mental self harm, I’m not sure.

Either way ‘6 Ways to Tell If a Girl Is a ’10′ in 2014’ was not in fact written by a man, although ‘Claire Voyant’ the supposed author, could easily have been harboring two small men inside each of her breasts.

It starts off innocent enough, with Ms Voyant regaling us of the wonders of bronzer, bronzer is “shimmery” and “fabulously flawless” she gushes. “Literally all you need in your life is bronzer,” she claims. “JESUS WAS MADE OF 98 PER CENT BRONZER” she shrieks, while panting and applying it with such force her pores start bleeding. Ok that last part didn’t happen but it’s conceivable.

Then it’s on to nails, black nail polish, Fraulein Voyant tells us, is out. She’s very serious about it. In fact I quote “There is nothing more unattractive and disgusting than CHIPPED BLACK NAIL POLISH.” This is inherently untrue, because Crocs still exist, and so does fennel. Senorita Voyant tells us she loses all respect for women who have chipped black nail polish, which is fortunate because women who have chipped black nail polish probably don’t give a fuck.

Golden rule number 3 is great because it is a 100% contradiction to every other rule. Mademoiselle Voyant really likes women all of a sudden and takes it upon herself to inform us that we can only hope of ‘being a ten in 2014’ if we don’t “pretend to be dumb.” Women, according to Voyant are running billion dollar companies, starring in huge comedic roles and becoming engineers. The reader is temporarily touched by this sudden but warm glow of assurance from Miss Voyant. If you’re funny, she says, flaunt it! If you’re smart, cure some diseases! BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T DO IT WITH CHIPPED NAILS AND CHEAP ASS BRONZER YA NASTY BITCH.

Rule number 3 is ergo wiped out by the ridiculousness that precedes and follows it.

Which brings me to rule number 4, don’t be “dumpy”. What is dumpy you say? I’m so glad you asked. Because Lady Voyant has a great explanation: “Wearing sweatpants and a hoodie everywhere you go is DUMPY. Putting your hair in a greasy bun everyday is DUMPY. Dress like you are a business chic unicorn every single day.”

Now I have no idea what on god’s green earth a business chic unicorn is and if it’s part if old mate Voyant’s world I’m quite frankly ecstatic I will probably never experience it. But if the former description is accurate I can wholeheartedly affirm that I am dumpy. I am the dump queen, the Lady of Dump, the Minister Responsible for Dump in a dump-leaning government.

By this I mean, I have one pair of trackpants and they are all I wear outside of work, I wear them with a greasy hoodie, a greasy bun and a greasy face. I wear them indoors, outdoors and at the supermarket occasionally without shoes. I wear them so much that the last time I didn’t wear them my flatmate called the cops thinking some foreign-panted intruder had busted into our house to watch the Come Dine with Me omnibus. I wear them because they are comfortable, practical and when I’m not being paid to look like a presentable, well-functioning member of society, it’s quite nice to not be one. Voyant is almost fanatic in her hatred of dumpiness. She warns us desperate, eager to please girls, “don’t you dare take a step out of your house looking like that”. AND THEN GET THIS, as if it wasn’t enough to counsel whatever poor unsuspecting girl came across this utter pile of shite online, she tries to start a movement, an Anti-Dump Revolution if you will: “Girls – if you have a dumpy friend it is your responsibility to pull her aside for an intervention. Friends don’t let friends be dumpy.”

At this point I had to take a break from reading because I got so mad I burst a blood vessel in my eye and couldn’t see. I’m ok now.

Rule number 5 talks about stores you shouldn’t shop at that I’ve never heard of, probably because I’m dumpy, but basically Senorita Voyant must also be hiding millions of dollars in her industrial sized breasts because girls who want to be tens in 2014 “don’t buy cheap clothes”. In stating this Miss Voyant really cements her sheer ignorance in the ways of the world because as it happens, track pants are cheap, and as we’ve already established, track pants were God’s first creation, sent from the heavens to remind us there is always something to live for.

Finally, and I do apologise if any of you are going to need counseling after all of this, Dame Voyant informs us that not only are ‘tens of 2014’ not allowed to buy cheap bronzer, cheap nail polish, cheap clothes or TRACKPANTS, finally, as the heinous cherry on the fennel-flavoured cake, she adds that we are also not allowed to buy cheap liquor. Cheap liquor, imparts Voyant, shows immaturity. Now I don’t know what expensive liquor tastes like but I’d imagine the sort of liquor our good friend drinks has dominant scents of entitlement with a hint of vapidity and an after-taste that just screams “I AM AN ABSOLUTE WANKER”.

The bottom line is, if this whole train wreck of an article is in fact about impressing boys, here’s a tip. Boys in the club are not thinking about what you are drinking, they are thinking about how they can possibly accelerate the speed of your drinking by about a thousand times in order to get into your track pants.

In conclusion, if the only way to ‘be a ten in 2014’ is to follow these six horrendous steps, I’m categorically certain I will remain a ‘minus seven thousand’ for 2014 and the rest of my life.

Do join me.