I have been watching the Bachelorette, and have noticed some things. This is unusual. I watch the Bachelorette to not notice things, because every episode, of every season, is comfortingly the same. There are a few important elements of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise that will linger for an uncomfortably long time, growing a friendly grey cloud of mould, while the rest of the world floats on by.
Every season, approximately 75% of the contestants will be accused of not being there for the right reasons, a figure that is grossly under-exaggerated.
Everywhere, and I mean everywhere, is the perfect place to fall in love.
Bachelorette du jour could take the guys to a blazing fire pit of human body parts and would still wistfully exclaim that it was the perfect place to fall in love.
Every meal, every delicious, glistening meal on every date, in every country will sit untouched for the duration of the scene, and likely, the rest of eternity. But there is a difference this season, and let me tell you, it is a game changer.
When I first saw Robby, something about him looked familiar. I couldn’t put my finger on it, until I remembered a big hardback book I had as a kid about animals of the rainforest. It was in that book that I first learned about cassowaries. I recognised Robby, because Robby is a cassowary, and so is Jordan.
Let’s start with the hair, because quite honestly, it seems remarkable that of 26 guys she started out with, Jojo has ended up with the two whose hair most resembles a kind of prehistoric horn. The cassowary’s horn thing is called a casque, it supposedly indicates age and dominance, and it looks exactly like Jordan and Robby’s hair. Casque’s can grow up to 18 centimetres in height. Is it simply consequence that third and fourth place getters Chase and Luke had inexplicably stiffly coiffed flippy hair bits that were big but not quite as big as Robbie and Jordan’s inexplicably stiffly coiffed flippy hair bits??
I THINK NOT.
At first, I was content to dismiss my Bachelowary (working title) theory as a striking resemblance, until I started reading more about cassowaries.
I present to you four more examples of compelling evidence.
According to the Smithsonian National Zoo, during the cassowary mating ritual it is the male who takes the passive role while the female can take up to three different mates. The Smithsonian says, and I quote “the male begins courtship by circling around the female and making a low rumbling sound.”
Practically any conversation, at any time on the Bachelorette can be interpreted as nothing more than a ‘low rumbling sound’ see point 4, and circling is practically mandatory.
Furthermore, “once the female has laid her eggs, she leaves the male in search of another male with whom she may repeat the courtship process.”
IS THIS RINGING A BELL ANYONE.
Cassowaries are prehistoric creatures, it’s believed cassowaries began to evolve around 60 million years ago. This fact goes some way toward explaining why both of the guys are so extraordinarily boring. Underneath those fresh tans and chinos, Robby and Jordan are at least hundreds of thousands of years old and have simply run out of things to say.
Both the Bachelorette finalists are former athletes Robbie, a swimmer, and Jordan, a football player. Allegedly.
Given that cassowaries are famed for their physical strength and agility, it is likely Jordan and Robby’s past occupations are simply a slick cover story, designed to shroud their true identities as the world’s second heaviest bird species. Jordan could, in fact, be two cassowaries stacked on top of each other.
In the penultimate episode, Jojo questions Jordan about their future. The conversation goes as follows.
Jojo: “In your mind, what does the next year look like for you?”
Jordan: “Um…that’s a tough question to answer…it kinda depends…I don’t know what it’s going to look like…100%”
Correct me if I’m wrong, but that is the exact answer a cassowary, that is planning on returning to the forests of New Guinea to forage for fruit and invertebrates instead of marrying a human woman, would say.
In fairness, that completely half-arsed answer is still preferable to the noise a cassowary usually makes, which sounds like Satan rallying his demons for the rapture.
My final, and most terrifying (but perhaps not surprising) piece of information, is more of a public service announcement to all men and women considering entering into a reality TV show relationship with a cassowary.
Cassowary, when provoked, are deadly.
Type ‘world’s most dangerous bird’ into Google? Cassowary
‘Scariest bird’ Cassowary
If you thought you’d envisioned all the possible worst ways to die, you can go right ahead and add having your jugular slashed by a gargantuan bird foot to the top of that list.
Look, I’m not saying either of the Bachelorette finalists is dangerous, but have you ever seen a close up of Robby or Jordan’s feet?? No, neither have I.
To sum up, Jojo, trust no one. Guys, don’t get one of those dumb haircuts. It makes you look like a big, scary bird.